A Little Advice About support

It really amazes me how many people stood by my side during this whole ordeal. The most support came from the moms at my kids' Catholic school (Our Lady Queen of Apostles in Center Moriches), and the people that work with my talent management company, Cain Casting & Talent Management. We also got a LOT of support from the two departments that my husband works for as a Park Ranger. It was amazing, really. SO many people reached out to me, it was overwhelming. SO many people were there for me, I didn't have to worry about anything.

 

My biggest support, of course, was my mother. She took care of my kids when I couldn't. She was here for me this entire time. So was my grandmother, who was incredibly worried about my husband. And my neighbors, who brought groceries over and helped with my kids. The list just goes on and on.

 

What shocked me was the lack of support we received from certain people. One group of individuals - whom we hadn't spoken with in over 3 years - used this as an excuse to gain sympathy from others, as well as cause a lot of drama and grief for me while I was going through this whole situation. Another individual - whom I have known for over two decades - was absent altogether. I noticed that in situations like this, the good people rise to the top and the ones you don't need just float away.

 

Then there are the others that try to make you sink and drown. However, I'm not going to address those individuals in this blog at all. They know who they are, and they know that they don't fit in my life - or the lives of my husband or children - anymore.

 

Now, don't get me wrong-- I'm not complaining in the least. But, I am going to give you some advice if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone you know is in a position such as mine: Reach out to that person. It doesn't matter how well you know them-- I had people sending me cards that I didn't even know. I had people coming to the hospital that I had only spoken over the phone with.-- Reach out to that person. You have no idea how much the support is needed.

 

The excuse of "I didn't know what to say" is utter bullshit. Here are some things that you can drop as a text or FaceBook message that will mean the world to that person:

 

• Thinking of you.
• You're in my prayers.
• Need anything?
• Hope things are getting better.
• Praying for you.
• xoxo
• <3

You get the idea. Little messages like that got me through my days. Was I overwhelmed? Absolutely. I still am. But the support of others carried me through it all-- Especially the really tough times.  I needed people that I didn't know that I needed. I needed support, even though people say I'm one of the strongest, toughest women they know. It was hard for me to ask for help, and the people that were right there to give it to me made things so much easier.

 

People have said to me how strong I am. I don't think that's true... I'm only as strong as the support that I received from the people that reached out to me. I can't even list everyone, but it really meant the world to me. I have no idea as to how I am going to thank everyone. With the support that I got from my friends, family, acquaintances and strangers, I felt that I could move mountains.

 

I truly feel that I did.

 

 

The Hardest Decision I've Ever Made

My husband was finally moved to the CCU (Coronary Care Unit) of Brookhaven Hospital around 2:30 in the afternoon. I had run home to get my phone charger, and they moved him while I was gone. I didn't find him until 3:00pm, as I went to the ER first. Then I was told that he was "in two," so I went to the second floor and wandered around. A nurse finally found me and helped me find him.

 

He was in the last room of the CCU. I walked in and he was lying on a bed. He was talking to me, asking me about my casting company, work, and other mundane things. He was sweating profusely and breathing rapidly, but he was a lot calmer than when he was in the ER. I plugged my phone into the wall and set up to be with him for a while. I expected a doctor or two to come in and tell us what was going on. At this point, remember, we were under the impression that he had cancer and masses on his liver.

 

No sooner did I sit down than did a nurse walk in. "You have a phone call, Mrs. Cain," she said. I was puzzled. I looked at my husband and he shrugged.

 

"I do?"

 

"Yes," she replied. "You can take it at the nurse's station."  I walked out of the room, and didn't notice that two nurses walked into my husband's room. I found out they were in there later.

 

I sat down at the nurse's station. Another nurse was to my left and handed me the phone.  "Hello?"

 

"Hi, Mrs. Cain," a familiar voice said. "It's Dr. Bohenski."  Dr. Bohenski is my son's pulmonologist. I knew I recognized the voice, but didn't understand why he was calling me.

 

"Hi Dr. Bohenski," I replied. "How are you?"

 

"I'm fine," he answered. "I'm not going to ask how you are, since I already know the answer to that. I'm going to make this brief, because time is of the essence. We do not expect your husband to make it through the night. We fully expect him to stop breathing, and we need to put him on a respirator."

 

Bells started ringing in my ears. I felt instantly dizzy and nauseous. I started shaking. What? My husband was going to die? I was just talking to him! How was that even possible?

 

"Wh-what?" I stuttered.

 

"Your husband isn't going to make it through the night. We fully expect him to stop breathing. He is in septic shock and his organs are starting to shut down. We need to put him on a respirator now in order to save his life." Dr. Bohenski was very matter of fact.

 

"This is the only way?" My voice was weak. I wanted to vomit.

 

"This is the only way," he replied. "He will be in an induced coma. He will be asleep so that we can fix what is wrong. He is in very critical condition right now."

 

A million thoughts ran through my mind, most of which were of our six year old twins. How was this possible? I was just talking to him! He was asking me about my clients, for crying out loud! How could this happen? He was going to die?

 

"Okay," I replied. "Do what you need to do. Please take care of him."

 

"I will take care of him like he is my own son," he promised.  Shell-shocked, I put the phone back in the cradle and staggered in to his room. He was lying on his back with an oxygen mask on. The two nurses were standing to his right. I unplugged my phone from the wall and stuck it in my purse. I dropped my purse in the chair to his right and looked at him.

 

I've never seen my husband look so frightened.

 

"Did they tell you?" I asked, trying to control my voice.  He nodded.  "Okay."  I pulled the oxygen mask away from his face and kissed him.

 

I didn't know if it was going to be the last time I was able to kiss my husband. I can't even begin to tell you what that feels like.

 

"I love you very much," I said, starting to cry.  "Goodbye."

 

"I'll see you in a couple of days," he answered.  I kissed him again, then replaced the oxygen mask.

 

"I love you." The tears started to roll down my cheeks. Sobs hitched in my throat. I pulled my phone out of my purse and started texting the last person that texted me:

 

I NEED YOU HERE

GET HERE

PLEASE

I NEED SOMEONE HERE

PLEASE COME

PLEASE

 

I didn't even know who it was. I went into the waiting room and collapsed in hysterics by myself. Alone. Thinking my husband was going to die.

 

It is the worst feeling that I have ever felt in my life. I can only explain it by saying it was like being at the bottom of a cavern, in the dark, alone with no lights. My sobs echoed in my head.

 

At some point, a doctor came in for me to sign the consent form. I don't remember much about that.

 

I just sat and cried. I have never felt so utterly helpless.

 

I soon felt an arm around me. I looked up and it was my friend, Kristin. I didn't even tell her what was going on-- I just leaned on her and cried. I couldn't even explain what was going on. I couldn't form words.

 

What simply amazes me is that Kristin and I were never close before. Our kids go to the same school, but we've never had a play date or anything like that. We've worked together on projects at school, her kids are a part of my casting company, our daughters are in the Daisy troop that I lead...But we've never hung out.

 

She just happened to be the person that sent me that last text.

 

And she came.

 

I don't know how many people would do that, unless they were close with the person asking them to come to the hospital. I honestly don't even remember what we had been texting about beforehand. I know that I would have shown up, regardless of who texted me. But I don't think that anyone else would have-- Especially someone with two small children.

 

Kristin is my hero.

 

I wasn't close with her before, but now I can't imagine my life without her or her family. I can't even begin to express to you what a rock she was for me, especially that day. Once my husband was on the respirator and in the coma, she somehow managed to get me to the diner across the street to get something to eat. I vaguely remember sitting across from her and eating something Greek (although I do remember her specifically getting a French Dip), but that's about it. I don't remember how long she stayed with me, but I know it was well into the night.

 

Back in 2000, I had to tell my sister that our Aunt was killed in a car crash. I remember thinking that was the hardest thing I ever had to do; the worst moment of my life. July 16, 2014 beats that day without a second thought.  If it weren't for Kristin, I would have had to face it alone.

 

Kristin, you are my hero. I love you and appreciate you more than you will ever, ever know.