Comatose

I've never really been in a situation where I've spoken to someone without them speaking back to me. Even as a public speaker, I appreciate and welcome an interactive audience. I've never really understood how people could stand next to someone that was in a coma - or, in some cases - in a coffin and just talk and talk and talk.

 

To be honest, I still don't understand.

 

It isn't that I don't agree with it, it's just that I don't understand.  For instance, my grandmother would insist on "visiting" my Aunt Elisa and grandfather in the crypt/chapel at Holy Rood Cemetery in Woodbury.  She would talk to them for a really long time. My opinion is that, if someone is dead, they don't just stay in the place where their body was laid to rest... You can "talk" to them anytime, anywhere. I believe that they are always with you.

 

But it isn't the same when you've got a loved one in a coma. They're there, but they can't respond. It was extremely difficult for me to sit next to my husband while he was on a ventilator and just talk to him like nothing was going on. What was I supposed to say?

 

Thank God for my best friend, Kristen. (Different Kristen than before... The other is Kristin.) She just went through this type of situation with her grandfather. She is friends with my husband, and she would go in and just talk and talk and talk to him. My husband even responded to her, by raising his hand. I could barely spend 5 minutes by his side because it was so overwhelmingly emotional for me, I would start to choke up after my third sentence. And, honestly, I just didn't know what to say. I had been living in the hospital since he had been admitted... Talking about the change in menu in the café just didn't seem enough.

 

Nothing seemed to be enough.

 

But Kris found stuff to say to him. While I sat in shock, usually crying, in the waiting room, Kris talked to my husband. Many people came to visit and went in to see him, but Kris talked to him the most out of anyone. It took a lot of weight off of my shoulders, and I will be forever grateful for that. I don't know what I would have done without my friend.

 

I can't really explain what it is like to see someone you love with your whole heart and soul, lying in a bed, motionless, with a machine breathing for him. It winds you, really.

 

My sister flew in two days after he was put on the ventilator. (Or was it the next day? Everything is so blurred together...) I felt so much better when Julienne was there. She's a doctor, so she knew all of the medical mumbo-jumbo that they were spitting out at me. Julie could digest it and tell it to me in plain English. She would visit with my husband, too, although she was there more to make sure I didn't completely lose it and that I took care of myself.

 

My mom had a hard time seeing my husband, too. My husband was a big, tough cop and to see him reduced to relying on machines was just... ugh. No words.

 

They tried to take him off of the ventilator three times, all of which failed. I was told that he would need a tracheotomy if they weren't able to take him off by the 14 day mark. I knew that, if my husband came out of the coma to a tracheotomy, he would give up and that would just be it.

 

We were "in the woods" for what seemed like forever. I didn't know if we were going to come out of it together.

 

 

 

A Little Advice About support

It really amazes me how many people stood by my side during this whole ordeal. The most support came from the moms at my kids' Catholic school (Our Lady Queen of Apostles in Center Moriches), and the people that work with my talent management company, Cain Casting & Talent Management. We also got a LOT of support from the two departments that my husband works for as a Park Ranger. It was amazing, really. SO many people reached out to me, it was overwhelming. SO many people were there for me, I didn't have to worry about anything.

 

My biggest support, of course, was my mother. She took care of my kids when I couldn't. She was here for me this entire time. So was my grandmother, who was incredibly worried about my husband. And my neighbors, who brought groceries over and helped with my kids. The list just goes on and on.

 

What shocked me was the lack of support we received from certain people. One group of individuals - whom we hadn't spoken with in over 3 years - used this as an excuse to gain sympathy from others, as well as cause a lot of drama and grief for me while I was going through this whole situation. Another individual - whom I have known for over two decades - was absent altogether. I noticed that in situations like this, the good people rise to the top and the ones you don't need just float away.

 

Then there are the others that try to make you sink and drown. However, I'm not going to address those individuals in this blog at all. They know who they are, and they know that they don't fit in my life - or the lives of my husband or children - anymore.

 

Now, don't get me wrong-- I'm not complaining in the least. But, I am going to give you some advice if you ever find yourself in a situation where someone you know is in a position such as mine: Reach out to that person. It doesn't matter how well you know them-- I had people sending me cards that I didn't even know. I had people coming to the hospital that I had only spoken over the phone with.-- Reach out to that person. You have no idea how much the support is needed.

 

The excuse of "I didn't know what to say" is utter bullshit. Here are some things that you can drop as a text or FaceBook message that will mean the world to that person:

 

• Thinking of you.
• You're in my prayers.
• Need anything?
• Hope things are getting better.
• Praying for you.
• xoxo
• <3

You get the idea. Little messages like that got me through my days. Was I overwhelmed? Absolutely. I still am. But the support of others carried me through it all-- Especially the really tough times.  I needed people that I didn't know that I needed. I needed support, even though people say I'm one of the strongest, toughest women they know. It was hard for me to ask for help, and the people that were right there to give it to me made things so much easier.

 

People have said to me how strong I am. I don't think that's true... I'm only as strong as the support that I received from the people that reached out to me. I can't even list everyone, but it really meant the world to me. I have no idea as to how I am going to thank everyone. With the support that I got from my friends, family, acquaintances and strangers, I felt that I could move mountains.

 

I truly feel that I did.